Connect with us

Arsenal News

Not Quite The Deadline Day You’re Expecting


You join us here at Sky Sports News HQ on Channel 401 where we are up to date with all the latest breaking News! Natalie Sawyer is in green for a change so she doesn’t match Jim’s yellow tie and all hell is breaking loose as Brian Swanson is caught playing Candy Crush on the touch screen just as Manchester United confirm they’ve made their 36th signing of the window!

Let’s take a look at Jim White getting all excited again shouts the producer as things really hot up. Special guests joining Sky tonight are one irrelevant chairman from a Spanish Club and the Peterborough Chairman who looks as though he’s either about to jump across the desk and assault a cameraman whilst everybody still works on why Natalie isn’t wearing yellow. It’s a deadline day travesty.

I hope everybody is playing deadline day bingo, with such famous phrases as “This is a dream move”, “I’ve wanted this for so long” And finally “Triffic” From Harry Redknapp. With 16 squares to fill lets see what we can complete come 11pm deadline.

We cut to Brian Swanson furiously swearing at the touchscreen when he realises he can’t complete his candy crush level and punches the screen. There will be no more action from Brian tonight until the TV is replaced.

Jim looks confused and The Peterborough Chairman gets a call on his mobile… It’s Ed Woodward! Silence as the call is taken… Man United have Just bid for the entire Peterborough team and the Chairman has accepted! Incredible scenes shouts Jim!

Meanwhile we cut to our reporter outside Liverpool where it’s dark and dreary and the Sky Production truck is on bricks. Any News from our reporter there asks Natalie?

Nothing… He says with a smile on his face as he’s being held at gunpoint by 30 angry youths behind him

Moving on swiftly to Tottenham where Pochettino has given his interview in his native tongue. We are just working through the translation using an Arsenal fan so this could take some time… We have it here, “I can’t bring any more players from Southampton because Liverpool have bought them all, even though people are interested, they are disappointed when I tell them Real Madrid aren’t buying from Levy any more and the line goes dead” Thanks Matt for that report.

We now cut back to Liverpool where the Southampton team bus has just arrived! But they aren’t scheduled to play there today? What on earth is happening tonight! Jim’s back in the studio and now the tie is loosened… He looks like he’s about to get overly excited if you catch my drift… Just in from Newcastle… it’s 1-1! Tottenham fans are delir…. oh wait, Sorry Jim mutters the north east correspondent and goes back to playing on his phone.

Natalie Sawyer is now wearing red and everyone on twitter is answering the Poll which dress looks better on Natalie… There’s only 15 minutes to go and we cut back to Brian Swanson with bandaged hand pressing an iPad up to the camera screen furiously shouting he only needed one more bloody move… Darmesh Sheth takes over and tells us that we have now broken through the £1billion pound mark… So excited he passes out in a pool of his own urine… exciting stuff, Jim can’t hold it back much longer either…

He’s had to run to the bathroom shouts Natalie as we go to Bayern Munich to find out Harry Redknapp has put a bid in for Manuel Neuer! It’s been rejected so he’s going for any player he can buy…

Outside QPR Peter Odewmingie is holding onto Harry Redknapp’s car as he’s talking out the car window… “Peters a triffic player” Says Harry, “But I’m just not after another forward” Odemwingie is visibly upset and will spend the rest of the night driving in and out of Clubs training grounds looking for a club to play for other than the one he’s at.

Arsene Wenger isn’t signing anybody tonight… he and Ivan Gazidis are sitting there playing monopoly with real money so this could go down to the wire… Ivan’s just offered Wenger £3m for Park Lane, Wenger wants £10m and so negotiations have broken down.

It’s confirmed that the whole Peterborough Squad has joined United with phrases such as “This is a dream move” and “I’ve wanted this my whole life” Deadline day bingo is complete! We’re all off to bed now whilst Jim finishes himself off and Natalie is finally back to wearing Yellow..

Goodnight all

More in Arsenal News