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Kroenke To Relocate Arsenal To Alabama


Stan Kroenke known to his friends as Enos (pronounced anus) the reason for this is due to his friends seeing him as extremely anal,  many know him as “Silent Stan” and the majority shareholder of Arsenal Football Club has unveiled his plans for the future of the North London Football Club. It has been mooted that the American businessman is looking to relocate the club stateside and has set his sights on the State of Alabama.

Kroenke and Chief Executive Ivan Gazidis see this as a viable option as they look to create a Franchise back in Kroenke’s homeland. Kroenke told Reuters ” the possibility of relocation is very real and is close to reality”, Kroenke was asked about Arsene Wenger’s position, ” Arsene is here to stay, he lives to make a profit, he is the tightest man i know” said Kroenke.

Kroenke who recently took £3 Million out of the club to prim his 1970’s porn star moustache is expected to move this operation stateside which could result in a name change and see Arsenal as a brand extinct with kroenke sports enterprise favouring the name Alabama Allstars, there would also be a change in the club crest, it would result in doing away with the iconic cannon and being replaced by two assault rifles crossed underneath the Confederate flag. Kroenke doesn’t stop there, he is adamant if this is to work then it has to be completely Americanised, even down to the music that accompanies the players as they take to the pitch. “There have been many suggestions pitched to me” said Kroenke, he went on to say “it has to be something that encompasses the club, I personally like loser the song by Beck as it highlights our failure as a club which shows our honesty”

There will clearly be protests of the proposed move but it is thought that Kroenke will buy their silence, he mentioned the fight he had when purchasing the St Louis Rams, “fans are fickle, a simple breed which can be manipulated or squashed I have the money and the power necessary to do what I want, the move will happen it is that simple”

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